Why do most people come to church, at least initially? For many (probably even most) it is because they are seeking community at least as much as they are seeking any kind of encounter with the Divine. They come—and stay or don’t stay—for the people. For the relationships. In fact, it is the people and the relationships that usually become the means by which they encounter the divine.
But let’s be honest—that doesn’t always happen. Even if we are good at being friendly (which St John’s is known for), it is hard to make the jump from being friendly acquaintances to something deeper and more meaningful, even when we really want that!
This summer, the Invite-Welcome-Connect team is hosting a series of conversations in the Holly Garden about how we can build and deepen friendships and other significant, authentic relationships, particularly here in the church. But why do we need this—and why particularly now? And how do we do it?
Why focus on building and deepening relationships?
There are number of reasons—both practical and theological—for us to focus on building deeper relationships.
It is our deep longing—but it’s not easy! We spend our time and energy on a lot of things, but if we’re honest, what we really want is probably not what we are actually spending our time and energy cultivating—something we rarely experience and that may seem unattainable. Our deep longing is for the kind of friendships where we feel supported, valued, and seen for who we are. Relationships where we can be silly and serious, strong and broken, gifted but also imperfect, where we can complain and rejoice, grieve and celebrate, be honest and be embraced. The moments we cherish most are the ones where we have experienced something close to this and have been able to provide it for others. They feel like immense gifts of grace. And they are but they also the culmination of specific dynamics and chosen actions, some of which we can actively cultivate. We want this—in fact we need it—but we seldom act in ways that move toward experiencing it.
It’s how we’re built In the story of the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2), after God had created all the beautiful world in perfect harmony, God looked at the solitary human being and said, “It is not good.” When we are isolated, going it on our own, even in the best of circumstances it is “not good.” We need helpers and partners. We need community. We are built for it. Sociologists and evolutionary psychologist tell us that humans evolved to favor those with skills for cooperation and supportive relationships because it was advantageous for survival. When we are not building the strong supportive communal relationships of the “village,” we are literally operating contrary to our biological nature. We are also going contrary to our spiritual nature—Genesis 1:27 says that we were created in the image of God, a God who is fundamentally relational. A God who had a beautiful relationship of mutuality in the persons of the Trinity but who also expanded the relationship circle to created beings, regardless of their finitude and fallibility. That is the God in whose image we are made.
Transformation Happens in Relationship If you think about how you became who you are, chances are you can point to people who were instrumental in that becoming. You moved to growth and maturity, to recognizing and using your gifts, through your relationships—maybe with parents or grandparents, with teachers or coaches or mentors, with spouses or partners or close friends, or with co-workers or others. Relationships—especially the kind we long for, the authentic close relationships—are one of the primary ways God transforms us. Sometimes by encouraging us, sometimes by showing us our shadows and areas of growth. And since the call of discipleship is a call to be transformed, it is no surprise that being a small group or other space where relationships are actively cultivated is for many people a place of profound transformation and deepening of their spiritual life.
To Be Church is Relational One of the primary images for the church is that of a body. Paul uses this a lot, and he does so particularly to emphasize the interdependence of those who are members (body parts) of the church. Each body part needs the other. If one part hurts, the whole body hurts. When we fall into isolation, the body becomes broken because the integral connections are broken. No one can be a Christian alone. We are members of Christ’s body, and in that we are made to be connected with one another, just as our body parts are connected.
But Why Now?
Given these things, clearly building close, authentic, supportive relationships should always be a priority, but why the particular emphasis right now?
An Epidemic of Loneliness Last year the US Surgeon General’s Office put out a report titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” The report concluded that people are experiencing loneliness and lack of social connection at levels previously not seen and that “Loneliness and isolation represent profound threats to our health and well-being….The lack of social connection [currently in the US] poses a significant risk for individual health and longevity.”1 These risks are both to people’s mental and physical health. Loneliness has reached the level of a national health crisis. The focus on building and deepening our relationships is not just about enriching our lives and the lives of others, but saving them.
The Post-Covid Situation Even though we are, in some important ways, “post-pandemic,” there is significant residual damage. Many folks emerged from the pandemic isolation disconnected from their previous support systems and relationships—many of which have been difficult or impossible to reestablish. We were not able to simply return to pre-pandemic “normal,” and the “new normal” for most folks has been characterized by very slow reconnection. Some have said we lost our “muscle memory” for how to build relationships. If any of you have had a serious injury, you know how long it takes to regain full use and strength of a damaged body part. That is us after covid—our relationship capacity experienced a serious trauma, and we are going to need some intentional therapy to move toward full health.
The Imminent Need While we all may be feeling the lingering effects of pandemic and years of not prioritizing relationships, the need for deep, authentic relationships is likely to become more acute in the next nine months. As the election cycle ramps up, inflammatory rhetoric increases, and serious concerns about the future of the country raise our anxiety, we will need trusted friends to listen and support us. However the election turns out, there is likely to be significant social and emotional distress. We will need each other, and the time to build and deepen our relationships is now. Further, people will likely be turning to our congregation in various levels of emotional distress and potential life crisis. We need to have the capacity to receive the hurting people God sends to us, and that means starting now to build relationships that sustain us so we can support them. As the recent article from the Vandersall Collective reminds us, we need to be thinking now about what our church will be prepared to offer to our community in crisis on Day One after the election. A place of connection, care, and authentic relationship for the fearful and hurting is something (among others) we can be ready to extend, to ourselves and to those whom God will bring to us.
So what’s the HOW?
At St John’s, we are responding to this real need by providing an opportunity to read, discuss, learn, build skills, and make plans for deepening our relationships. Here are some “how’s” to do that….
Read, Learn, Build Skills The Invite-Welcome-Connect Team has chosen five books for St John’s to study together this summer. They vary in approach, emphasis, and style, but each is about how we build relationships and deepen acquaintance into meaningful friendship. Read one or all.
Come to the Garden Conversations Join other St John’s members as we discuss these books, learn from each other, and strategize how individually and as a church community we can work together to build stronger, more authentic relationships with one another and others in our lives.
Practice – Commit to it! Building and deepening relationships is a spiritual practice, and like prayer or study or worship, we need to engage in the practice of it regularly for it to yield fruit. Like an exercise plan, the kind of relationships we need and long for only happen we make building them a priority and we commit to giving it attention and time to it.
Be Courageous! Authentic, meaningful relationships require risk and vulnerability. Be encouraged by the possibilities, and know that the Holy Spirit is with you to empower this work with others and God’s grace.
The Time is Right
Pentecost is the season of growth and fruitfulness. Let’s join together to grow in this important area of our communal life! The fruit will be greater health for us and greater strength to welcome and serve others, and ultimately our life together becoming more fully an outpost of God’s shalom in a hurting and lonely world.
“Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community,” pages 5 and 8. ↩︎
