Breath

by Sarah Dull

Job’s lament is a good description of my last 16 months. In February of 2023, I had a viral upper respiratory infection. Since then, I have been struggling to get my breath, and life has been miserable!

Simple tasks like making my bed and walking up the stairs to my home have become monumental feats of endurance that often require a break, or two, and leave me exhausted. I have been too scared of losing my breath to even try previously beloved activities like hiking and biking with friends and family.

There have been trips to urgent care and the emergency room, a hospital stay, and countless tests and doctor’s appointments. The latest diagnosis is “post viral reactive airways,” which honestly feels like well, we haven’t found anything else wrong and that fits. Until now it has been a trial-and-error succession of antibiotics, inhalers, antivirals, steroids, nebulizer, and stomach acid meds. And, as of three weeks ago, pulmonary rehab.

I have experienced a rollercoaster of emotion; frustration, fear, vulnerability, depression, resentment, despair, cynicism, and animosity, to name a few. I have spent far too much time sitting around feeling sorry for myself; finding excuses not to participate in… well, anything. As is often the case when we are challenged, my relationships have borne the brunt. I have withdrawn from cherished friends and children. My dear partner and colleagues have had to pick up my slack. As Job says, I have lost my breath and am filled with bitterness. 

Having practiced yoga and meditation for a couple of decades I am aware that breath serves as a powerful tool for mindfulness, allowing us to anchor our awareness in the present moment. By focusing on the breath, we can calm the mind, cultivate inner stillness, and connect with a deeper sense of spirituality.

Throughout history, diverse cultures and religions have recognized the symbolism of breath. In ancient Eastern traditions, breath is seen as a vital force that nourishes both the body and the spirit. Native American spiritual practices also emphasize the sacredness of breath, viewing it as a bridge between the physical and spiritual realms. In Sufism and Islamic mysticism, breath serves as a metaphor for the divine presence within us, guiding us towards spiritual enlightenment. 

Similarly, in Christianity and Judaism, breath is associated with the divine. In the Bible, breath is not only a symbol of life but also represents divine inspiration, presence, and power. From creation to prophetic visions of revival, breath is a poignant theme throughout scripture, offering rich insights into the relationship between God and humanity. As Paul tells the Athenians, in Acts of the Apostles 17:25, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mortals life and breath and all things.

Therefore, it is not surprising to me that at the same time I have been unable to breathe freely I have become emotionally and spiritually unmoored. It does feel as though God will not let me get my breath; not just withholding physical nourishment but God’s very spirit within me. I miss feeling God’s presence in my life and am struggling to follow Jesus’ Way of Love; giving in to slovenly ways and fear, skipping prayer and worship, and being less forgiving and compassionate. The one practice I have been forced to embrace is rest – doctor’s orders, as well as God’s will!

What has surprised me is the progress I have made since starting pulmonary rehab. At my first session, I was startled to learn that, in addition to strengthening my lungs and diaphragm, the therapist wants to help me overcome the anxiety I have developed around exerting myself – how did she even know about that? Apparently, it is quite common after experiencing serious breathing issues. And, the panic we feel when we can’t get our breath actually makes it harder to breathe.

So, the first four sessions were designed to regain my confidence through short achievable exercises and breathing techniques that would make it even easier for me. And, it’s working! Last weekend I was cautiously determined to get back on my bike. My partner found a flat trail without any challenges along the Cannon River Trail. During a window in the rain, we set out at a leisurely pace. It was beautiful. We saw deer, a woodchuck, lots of bunnies, birds, and chipmunks. Three hours and several breaks later we had biked twenty miles, there and back. I hadn’t lost my breath once and my lungs felt fine. 

I’m not ready to enter the Olympics or anything, but I am eager for this week’s rehab sessions where I will be learning to manage my breath during inclines in my workouts. The rapid improvement in, not just my breathing but, my spirit is astonishing. For the first time in 16 months, I am feeling satisfied, hopeful, and energized. Through these experiences, I am more convinced than ever that breath is more than a physical necessity; it is a divine gift, a symbol of life’s sanctity, and a testament to God’s intimate involvement in our lives. 

In his book, The Naked Now, theologian, Richard Rohr OFM says:

It has been said that God’s name, “Yahweh,” is in itself a breath prayer, perhaps the very first: “The Jews did not speak God’s name, but breathed it with an open mouth and throat: inhale—Yah; exhale—weh. By our very breathing we are speaking the name of God and participating in God’s breath. This is our first and our last word as we enter and leave the world.

How are you feeling emotionally and spiritually? How is your breathing?