From Shelley Byrnes:
When we were all quarantining during Covid lock-downs we learned how much we need each other. Parents were overwhelmed because they were acting as teachers while trying to work too. Folks who lived alone were so much more lonely because they could not go out and be with family and friends. Youth and children missed their friends and fell behind in school. Graduations were drive-by, proms were cancelled, and children often had to see grandparents through windows or on Zoom.
You’d think that five years later when we don’t have to worry about how to get toilet paper, we would be much less overwhelmed, but it hasn’t worked out that way!
Obviously, the election season and the resulting executive orders have brought more stress into many of our lives. Everyone is full of emotion. But since my ministry area is concerned with Children, Youth and Families, I wanted to share about a specific segment of folks who are frazzled: parents.
I am so grateful to Suzanne McInroy who is willing to share not only some research on the state of parents but also her own experiences.
“The Parents Are Not All Right”
By Suzanne McInroy, St. John’s Parent and Children, Youth, and Family Committee Member
There are often moments in our parenting when my husband, Mark, and I look at each other and wonder if this is how it was for our parents when we were young. Or, we recognize the privileges we have and ask ourselves how other parents manage. But most often, when things seem challenging, we tell ourselves this is the way it is, parents have been doing this for centuries, and we need to just get on with it. At least, that’s what I thought until a few months ago when I heard a podcast from The New York Times that helped me see that maybe the challenges for parents these days are actually more challenging and the parents are not all right.
“The Parents Aren’t All Right” podcast on The Daily was in response to the U.S. Surgeon General’s warning in August of a similar vein. American parents are overwhelmed. Yes, parenting has always been challenging, but the reporter Claire Cain Miller explained how social scientists call this new era of parenting “intensive parenting,” which is “child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor intensive, and financially expensive” (Claire Cain Miller, New York Times). In short, parents today are constantly thinking about or working toward educating their kids, enriching them with new activities, and engaging with them. And—surprise, surprise!—this has left parents extremely stressed to the point that it is a public health issue.
Miller went on to explain that this parenting shift started in the 1980s when worries about children’s physical safety began, books from parenting experts entered the market, and the American dream that one’s financial success would be better than one’s parents was no longer a guarantee. But the statistic she shared that left me completely shocked was one about working mothers. Miller said “that working mothers today spend as much time with their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.”
I wondered how that was even possible and then I considered my own life. I’m with my kids for nearly all of their non-school, non-sleeping hours. In a post-Covid world, even non-school days when I have to work, I can work from home—with them here. Even though I exercise for about 30 minutes a day, one of them is often with me. Even when I go to the grocery store, one of them often accompanies me. Sometimes I just really need some time alone, and it’s hard to come by in today’s parenting world.
This is how I feel as a working mother, but I know from Mark’s perspective that working fathers feel some of the same pressures as well.
In August, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy called on the nation, including religious communities, to reimagine our collective care in supporting caregivers and their children, saying “Raising children is sacred work. It should matter to all of us.”
St. John’s is a place where Mark and I find support in raising our children. Right from the start after our oldest was born, church members provided meals and even helped us move house! We’re grateful for Shelley Byrnes, who has an amazing ability to see the strengths in each child and youth at St. John’s and draw them out. We’re grateful for Dr. Judy Stack who supported our family during the pandemic and remains an important adult in our kids’ lives. We’re grateful for the many Godly Play teachers and youth leaders who share about faith with our kids weekly. And we’re grateful for the other parents and caregivers who ask us how we’re doing and about our kids.
I recommend you read more about the stressful parents in our society and how we got here. I also hope as a St. John’s community we can think about more ways to support parents and caregivers in our congregation and beyond.
And next time you find yourself in conversation with a St. John’s parent, I encourage you to check in with them–just to make sure they are all right.
References and more on this topic:
- The Parents Aren’t All Right (The Daily podcast)
- Today’s Parents: ‘Exhausted, Burned Out and Perpetually Behind’ (The New York Times)
- U.S. Surgeon General Issues Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents (US Dept of Health & Human Services)
- Dr. Becky Suggests ‘Sturdy Parenting’ To Address Parents’ Mental Health Crisis, Kids On Phones And More (Forbes)
- Parental stress is so debilitating, the surgeon general has declared it a public health issue (Fortune)
- Being a parent is hard work and ‘massively inconvenient.’ Dr. Becky Kennedy offers 5 tips to help you cope (CNN)
- The man trap: Traditional ideas of masculinity persist in the workplace, even though men are now expected to do more of the household chores – and work longer hours. (The Economist)
From Shelley Byrnes:
Luckily, at St John’s we have various spiritual Life Groups that help folks connect with others who have similar interests and experiences: OWLs, Men’s Group, Women’s Group, Bridge Group, Book Group, even the new Connection Groups. One interest group that we noticed does not meet regularly is parents.
Therefore, we are going to try a new thing: Nourish Parents Brunch will be held on Sunday, March 16 from 11:30 – 1:00 pm. The nursery will stay open, Godly Play will have a full 90 minute session with a feast, and the youth group will have a game day and Pizza in the Green Room. And parents will meet in the Fireside Room for brunch. There will be a short informational presentation from ECMN about camping opportunities through the Diocese followed by some time to get to know each other and even play some games (for the more competitive types.) Parents whose children have grown and flown are also invited to come share their experience, strength and joy! Watch the announcements for more information and your chance to RSVP.
