By The Reverend Barbara Mraz
“The turn of my heart bends toward you, O God. I search for you in infinite stretches of imagination. I discover you in infinite spaces of need. You give my wounded spirit shelter, my restless life purpose, my questioning mind the embrace of wonder.”
-The Rt. Rev. Steven Charleston
Jayan Nair has a lifetime of experience packed into his twenty-five years. He has been repeatedly bullied, suffered emotional abuse in his religiously-conservative home, and has struggled with substance abuse. Yet this amazing young man, who left home at seventeen, graduated summa cum laude from college, projects a radiant joyfulness, speaks glowingly of his partner Benji and “the light of his life,” his nephew Theo. He laughs often, reads constantly, and is on his way to a professional life in the Church. He says he owes his life to the discovery of the Gospel.
HOME-SCHOOLED
Growing up in Huntington, West Virginia, both of Jayan’s parents were physicians. His father was born in Ethiopia and lived in Zambia and Botswana before coming to America. His grandfather was Hindu; his grandmother an Anglican Christian raised in the Church of South India.
Jayan’s early life was marked by hardship. He was bullied in school for his sexuality and “outed” at age 13. He also did not feel academically challenged at the private Christian school he attended. So after seventh grade, his parents decided they would home-school Jayan and his younger sister. His father taught them history and theology; his mother took a leave from her medical practice and taught him the rest. School began at 7:30 and ended for dinner at six, followed by evening homework. He took a total of nine years of Latin, which he says helped him in countless ways. He read widely in theology on his own.
He observes, “The chance to immerse myself in all areas of knowledge and integrate it was tremendously valuable to me. I would do it again, but wouldn’t want it for my own kids, if I ever have any.”
The emphasis on theology was because Jayan was being groomed for a life in the church, to be a minister of the Gospel in the “hyper-Calvinist” church his parent attended.
CONVERSION ATTEMPTED
A punishing new element was added to his life after he acknowledged his homosexuality at age 13. For 18 months, he was forced to undergo “conversion therapy” with his pastor and his father. “It destroyed me,” he says. “I went back into the closet for two years to make it stop.” He renounced Christianity in the process.
At age sixteen he came out again and was able to gain the support of an understanding aunt and his grandmother. Yet his only friends were his Math and Latin tutors. He dropped out of high school, ran away from home at 17, found various places to live, and eventually got a GED. Trying to forget the darker parts of his childhood, he drank his way through it all.
OHIO STATE
He applied to colleges and got a scholarship to Ohio State in Columbus. He dreamed of becoming an academic, possibly an archaeologist. He was also interested in Linguistics. Academically, college went very well and, wanting a challenge, he decided to major in International Politics and Chinese.
Throughout college, he battled his addiction. Nonetheless he graduated summa cum laude with Honors Research Distinction in Political Science. His thesis was titled Confucian Moral Talent and Security: Diachronic Perspectives on Chinese Strategic Culture. Earlier he had gotten a grant and spent a summer in Beijing researching. His first-rate secondary school education at home, he explained, was a massive academic advantage throughout college.
“LESS VICTIM, MORE SURVIVOR”
With an academic career in political science as a goal, the best fit seemed to be at the University of Minnesota. He was accepted into the PhD program and moved to Minneapolis.
Soon, however, his life collapsed. In November, he blacked out on election night and did not come to for several days. He believed he was going to die as he tried to detox himself at home. The third day brought what he describes as “a moment of divine encounter.” He says, “I actually heard a voice telling me that I didn’t have to do this alone. That voice had to have been God, and I’m convinced it’s only by God’s grace that I finally believed that voice.”
He talked to his therapist who referred him to a program at Fairview Riverside. He joined AA and got a sponsor. During this time Jayan also began meditating and spending more time in quiet prayer. He explored an array of different spiritual practices. Nonetheless, he says, “Nothing felt real.” He also experienced a profound need for forgiveness that wasn’t being fulfilled. Throughout his work in recovery, however, he came to understand the narrative of his life as being less about being a victim, and more about being a survivor. But even a survivor needs healing.
He got a job. Working on a student newspaper earlier, he had taught himself digital design. He was hired at United Healthcare where he still works today, doing web creation and copywriting . Soon he met Benji, the man who brought him to an Episcopal Church in Rochester for his nephew’s Baptism. For Jayan, this event turned out to be life-changing.
CALVARY
The Baptism was at Calvary Episcopal Church in Rochester. Benji was to be his nephew Theo’s godfather. As Jayan experienced the liturgy and heard the words of the Baptismal Covenant and the loud congregational response of “We Will!” something happened to him. Experiencing the sense of community, the strangely-familiar language, and the magnetic pull of the sacraments which convinced him he could not escape even if he wanted to, he remembers, “It was at once terrifying and the best thing in the world. It took me months to take it all in.”
Jayan and Benji began attending church at St. Christopher’s in Roseville but soon found their way to St John’s. Right away, they knew that this was the place for them, noting that it seemed to be a “very healthy place”. Jayan began attending Compline. He became an acolyte and started praying the Daily Office. Still devouring theology, he especially loved reading the work of the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. His involvement at St. John’s grew as he began working with the Young Adult Group, and became friends with Craig Lemming. Now he reads Morning Prayer each weekday at the church. He is a regular at Faith Formation (where many of us are astounded at the extent of his theological knowledge). He delights in his toddler godson Theo, writes him on holy days, and carries his picture with him. He and Benji are planning a wedding for next October at St. John’s.
Most of all, he experiences the Gospel as a profound source of healing and joy. No longer a message of self-loathing and fear of the afterlife, the Gospel has opened up as a promise of God’s forgiveness and faithful attentiveness to us in this life and the next. In the story of Christ and in the tangible beauty of the sacraments, he finds the grace to start putting together the pieces of his life and share that healing with the world.
Slowly Jayan has realized that he is called to work in the Church. The question is how? So now he is in the process of forming a discernment committee to help him figure this out. Maybe the priesthood? Maybe something else?
VICTORIOUS
Jayan is a delight to speak with: thoughtful, intelligent, passionate, extremely funny, and a man of deep spirituality. He loves trivia and murder mysteries. He speaks with pride of Benji’s approach to real estate and his partner’s joy at helping young families find their first home. He gave himself a syllabus when he got to college about what he had to view and read to “catch up” with the popular culture that had been kept from him as he grew up.
He has several tattoos, a combination of memories and philosophy. A number is on his upper arm, referencing the fact that in the late 19th century journalists used the symbol ”-30-” to signal the end of a story. He got this tattoo when he was forced to terminate his relationship with his family. Another, running up and down his forearms, is a quotation in Classical Chinese: “The way of the universe is a flowing stream; it can go in any direction.” Behind his left ear is a conch, a nod to his South Indian heritage.
But perhaps most significant is the name “Jayan,” from Sanskrit. It is a family name harkening back to his father’s roots. It means “victorious,” while his middle name is “Timothy,” which means “honoring God.” Jayan’s mother always told him that “honoring God” is how his victory would come. It’s already started.
Barbara Mraz, Writer-in-Residence. Barbara preaches each month, contributes regularly to the parish blog, Epistles and Epiphanies, and writes profiles of parishioners for The Evangelist. Barbara has been a deacon in the Episcopal Church in Minnesota for more than 30 years and enjoys reading, gardening, spending time with her kids and grandchildren, attending theater productions, and watching films. She is the author of Finding Faith at the Movies (Morehouse, 2004).
Originally published in the March-April 2019 Evangelist.
