By Jennifer Neil Tianen
My dear friends in Christ,
I am not the pronoun police and I do not have a politically correct ideological agenda to impose upon you. This renaming is an invitation to a process of me becoming a new creature in Christ. It is not mandatory upon you. My birth name is Neil and I have always loved that name. For those of you who have known me as Neil for the approximately last three years that I have been with you, and who feel more comfortable still calling me that, then I welcome still being called so. For those of you who are willing to call me Jennifer, then I embrace your affirmation.
I stand here in the shadow of a lifelong fear. Not an over-concerned fear born of vain male pride. Rather, a fear born of violation, assault, suicide, and harassment. A fear that taught me to blend in to survive. I should not have survived; there are factors that can be tallied and I had too many of them to have come through to health and spiritual glory. But I did survive and thrive. So I am here today, moving from joy to joy.
It could have been otherwise. When I was young, I secretly carried a knife in my pocket. It was not there to defend myself or to hurt anyone else. It was there as a great comfort and solace that I could make it all go away in one quick slice. The blade was resting upon my wrist and I very nearly pulled it. Instead, I chose to live and suffer through to a hoped-for better day.
I am so glad that I lived to have this better day. To have known the love of my life who prepares my heavenly mansion next to hers. To have stared into the trusting eyes of my baby boys. To come here on Sundays and share communion with you.
I was born differently than I would have liked to be. That was God’s Will. But God’s Will is not always immutable. God has opened new doors and shown me a way forward at last to be my long-wished-for self.
There are pictures of me from when I was 5 years old. I have always loved those pictures. When I have shown them, I have been asked, “Who is the little girl?” That used to embarrass me, but not anymore. I see them as how I would like to have stayed while growing up. Frail, blond, and pretty. There is one picture in particular. I wrote a poem about it:
