Round 1: Weather Anxiety
What if I get stuck in the alley? What if the alley doesn’t get plowed until late? What if the garage door freezes shut? What if no one shows up at church? What if I fall and break a major thing? What if we can’t get to Theater La Te Da on Sunday night to see my friend’s favorite play in the whole world? Should we change the tickets? Do they even do that? What if it blizzards on the date I change them to? Who do we call if we get stuck?
Round 2 Performance Anxiety
What if the sermon bombs on Sunday (especially worrisome because people are going to “unpack” it Wednesday night). What if I duplicate some “forgiveness” themes that I should save for the movie class Thursday and the following Sunday? What if the movie I’ve chosen to use is dated? What if the projector and other equipment fails me (as it always does)? What if ……? Oh no….What if the power fails (see 1 above)?
Winter can breed a sense of increased vulnerability and dependence. The media ramps it up with dire predictions and talk of records, while using the “wind chill” as the realair temperature (You’re not fooling me, channel 11). Spinouts everywhere! Worst ever! Stay home if you can! School closings march somberly across the bottom of the TV screen.
I admit to being a worrier. Always have been. It’s never helped me one bit. What does help me on Sunday mornings is living two blocks away from the rector who is a pretty fearless driver and who is wiling to pick me up).
What also helps me is picking up a book — sometimes at random – and getting rebalanced. I rely on some favorites for this and one of them is anything by the former Bishop of Alaska, now residing in Oklahoma, the Rt. Rev. Steven Charleston. He also has a daily Facebook post that feeds me regularly. Here is the section I opened to today:
You have known moments when what you believed was so clear, it was like ice, sharp and clear and pure. You have also known disappointments so profound that they have numbed you with the blunt trauma of doubt. You have felt called. You have felt abandoned. You have seen healing. You have seen death. You have seen dreams fulfilled. You have seen hope slip through your fingers like sand. You have the patience of Job and the temper of Peter. You are proud You are obedient. You are still here. You are a disciple.
I never thought of myself that way before.
But maybe I am.
Read it again. Maybe you, are, too.
Disciples.\
See you in church.
Barbara
*FromHope as Old as Fire, A Spiritual Diary, by Steven Charleston, Red Moon Publications, 2012.
